Recognising a true friend

Kaajal Gunputh Kaajal Gunputh Aug 12, 2018 1464 0

Recognising a true friend

How to recognize a true friend

I personally went through a lot of betrayals within my friend circle. Seeing some, changing colors like a chameleon within seconds, while some changing sides just for their own advantages. I had begun to think that the actual problem is with me. I started questioning myself- am I that bad, am I such a bad friend?  I started reading a lot of articles regarding how to deal with a friend betrayal and how to be a good friend. I then one day, chose to read about how to you know that someone is actually your friend. Then I realized what was it all about and the entire puzzle was solved.

I came across the term “frenemy”- a friend that isn’t actually your friend at all; but instead a combination of a friend and an enemy!  After a few emotional bruises, I realized that most of my “friends” were actually my “frenemies”; Very often we take it for granted that our friend is always here for the good and the bad, but sometimes we need to face the bitter truth and realize that this is not the case all the time.

What encourages a ‘”frenemy” bond?
 Well this basically happens when someone want to get closer to you not because they like you as an individual but because they admire certain things about your life. It’s more a kind of envy than admiration; they may think getting closer to you means getting closer to that one thing they admire. But, if it’s not motivated by true affection, how can it be called friendship?

Very often we can’t differentiate between real friends and frenemies. We usually end up find out after a betrayal which turns out to be shocking and painful. However, there are certain points which actually help you recognize a frenemy before you invest too much time or energy into a relationship.

I summarized 5 criteria on which you can differentiate who is worth your precious friendship.

  1. True friends don’t want to be YOU!

If someone is your true friend they will admire you as an individual and be happy for what you are having, while not wanting to be you and owning what you have. I have a friend who told me that am having everything while she doesn’t have anything- which was not at all true. I then understood that she was just envying what i am having instead of appreciating what she is having! When I came to study abroad, I lost so many friends just because they thought I should have stayed back where they are and not move ahead and progress! I then asked myself, is it worth it to invest my emotions, time and energy into such people? And with this, from my best friends they are now people I knew once upon a time because they were just making me feel guilty for the path I chose, and I realized that I deserve much more than this!

  1. Friends want to see you and prioritize time together 

No matter how busy they may be, real friends will find a way or the other to make you feel loved and missed.  After coming abroad for my higher studies, there were very few friends who were still by my side. We shrunk from a big circle of almost 8 girls to only 5. I would message them regularly and feel so excited to see them again when am in holidays. In the beginning, the act was reciprocal but as time went on, daily messages became weekly and eventually monthly. I would repeatedly try to arrange some video calling sessions but they would call it off for various reasons. I value them deeply and love our time together but at some point of time I just got tired of feeling rejected. I began to lose confidence and assumed that they now got new friends. Our bond kept weakening and we kept growing distant.

  1. Friends aren’t afraid to talk about what’s real!

Eventually we talked about how we were not communicating anymore; and I was told that they were all having their own problems and even suffering from a mild depression, cancelling social events, handling the pressure at their new job, and struggling to finish their assignments. I then realized that they were actually the same with everybody else not just with me. And knowing about what was actually happening instead of assuming and jumping to conclusions also helped me calm my mind. Gradually messages started coming in more frequently and things started falling in place.

  1. Friends don’t make you feel worse about yourself

You should not be in a position that you have to apologize for your happiness. No matter how different your life situations maybe, that should not be a reason for both of you not to talk openly.  Your friend accepts her life and your life as it is. She doesn’t make you feel guilty for being in better conditions than her. Instead she is happy for you and hopes for the best.

  1. Friends own their own emotional issue

Being able to stay real, support each other and be happy for each other regardless of what may or may not be going on well in our own lives is an essential part of friendship, according to me. Each one of us has the power and the right to define what makes a friend. Friendships are an important part of your life and I believe it’s worth that you take out some time and give it a real thought!

If you are clear as to what friendship means to you, you are empowered to start a real conversation if something feels wrong in one of your relationships. So sit back, think about it and realize how many dead plants you are still watering!